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Seth. That robot armour is a delight but I can’t look past your endless throws & teleports. Gief’ing you never gets old, you big Krang twat.

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Jerusalem. You gave me faith and accepted my expansion but then England got serious so I had to raze you to the ground. Soz.

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Black Knight. I blamed input lag and hitboxes and all sorts of twat but the game is perfect and so was your departure. See you again I guess.

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Massive painting. I came close to have a gander, you smouldered black and cursed me silly. Dark Souls.

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First Jump. I’ve tackled you a handful of times but on this occasion the PC shift to 60FPS was my undoing. Even improvements have teething periods.

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Your hexagonal hyper walls haven’t changed one bit. At least I don’t have to light bonfire’s between bouts of insta-death here.

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Artorias. Incarceration is awful and I know you’re feeling resentful but batting me around with your whopping great sword isn’t helping either of us.

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Squealing town pigs. You ganged up on me, took barely any damage and then leapt down that massive well. Hope you were prepared to die.

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Unspeaking fellow. You bumped into a trio of unsavoury Aussies not ten feet from me. I hid in a bush for an age while they laughed about gunning you down in cold blood.

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Gyges the Great. You were doing a splendid job of renovating the blue cave, but then your giant pals barged in and you all started fucking us up until we killed you.